Episode 14: How To Learn From Your Excuses

Let’s talk about ‘excuses’. You may feel they aren’t helpful, but as a coach I love hearing them and this week I’m telling you why. This episode also includes three questions to help you reframe your excuses into thoughts that promote progress and sustainable change.

Episode Transcript:

Your excuses are just your perceived barriers. This is a goldmine of information, like we're talking Scrooge McDuck in a pool of gold coins amount of information.

INTRO MUSIC: Welcome to The Compassionate Wellness Podcast. I'm Alex Treanor. I'm a Nationally Board Certified Health and Wellness Coach, and I am so excited you're here. The wellness industry is full of do's and do not's, should's and should not's. But I like to take a different approach. I'll be sharing all things health and wellness from a joyful, real-life compassionate perspective. If you're ready to drop the cookie-cutter approach and create a life you truly love, while eating a cookie or two along the way, let's dive in.

Hey, friends! I have a quick message for you on reframing excuses this week. But before I dive in with that, I want to remind you that I have a few coaching spots that just opened up. So if you are interested in coaching, even if you're not sure, but you might be interested in coaching, feel free to send me a message. You can email me, you can send me a message on Instagram, whatever is easiest for you. I would love to chat more about coaching. If the messages on this podcast resonate with you, then I know we'd be a good fit for coaching. But I'd be happy to talk to you about it. Message me, tell me how I can help you. I would love to be there for you.

Alright, let's dive in with this week's topic. Part of coaching is of course setting goals and providing accountability to follow up on those goals. And so one of the things that we do in coaching sessions is to review progress and check in to see how did it go this week, what went well, what didn't. First of all, I just want to normalize that all of us have goals that we don't meet. Perfection does not exist. We've talked about that before. But there's a phrase I hear when this happens, especially from the type a perfectionist type people, those people who are maybe uncomfortable with admitting that they didn't meet a goal. Raise your hand, if that's you, my hand is slowly raising up as well. So you have company with you if you're raising your hand. But the phrase that I hear is "it's just an excuse".

Let me give you some context. So let's say for example, we had a goal to increase movements throughout the week, maybe do some walks or some yoga throughout the week. And my client will come in and say, "Man, I was exhausted this week. My son broke his arm, my daughter has been sick. We were in and out of doctor's appointments and hospital visits. I know it's an excuse, but I just couldn't do it this week". And oof, right? That is a real thing. Weeks like that happens sometimes.

As a coach, I don't love the word excuse. Because what I notice is that, when we're saying something is an excuse, there's usually two subtexts, things that we're not saying but that we're implying by saying that. One of those is we are creating a judgement that we did something wrong. By definition, an excuse is something that we say to justify our actions or to defend ourselves, which is basically saying, like, if something needs an excuse, then we're indicating that we feel we did something wrong. And it's okay not to achieve a goal, that is not wrong. It's a neutral situation. You don't have to justify it. There's no need to bring in that self-criticism. We're all about self-kindness, right? Self-compassion, and one of those components is being kind to ourself. So that's one thing that I don't love about the word excuse. The other piece is that we dismiss accountability by saying something is an excuse. What I mean by that is that we don't explore it, because it's just an excuse. So we miss out on the learning or the information that could be gained from looking at that. We dismiss it as this one-off thing, right? Like, "oh, it's just an excuse, but I was just way too tired this week". But let's be real. A lot of weeks, we're tired, right? That that happens. It's not a one-off experience.

This is the cycle that I start to recognize. So we set a goal. Some circumstance arises, something that makes it hard to achieve that goal. And we don't achieve it. And we say, "I was just exhausted" and we make some "excuse" and we tell ourselves, "I'm just making excuses". So we resolve to do better next time. And often that looks like I'll just try harder. I'll push more into some thing that may not be feeling right at that moment. It's like those kids toys where you have like the star shape, and it has to go in the star hole. Sometimes when we say, "Oh, it's just an excuse, I'll try harder next week", we're just jamming that star shape into the triangle hole and it may not work. And so we encounter that same issue again, later down the road, we get that same result. And we just keep pushing that piece into the hole that doesn't fit. And the result ultimately, is that we don't make progress towards our goals. But worse than that, is that it becomes self-defeating. Regardless of the progress that you make, we start to lose confidence in ourselves and in the belief that we are able to make the change possible. When we keep saying I'll do better next week, and then we try to do better, whatever that might mean, we push harder, but we still don't get the shape through the slot. At some point, we start to think, "it's just not going to work for me, it's just not meant to be". So that's the cycle that I see when we're using this term excuse.

And while I don't love the word excuse, as a coach, I do want to hear every excuse you got, I think it's really important. And I'll tell you why in a minute. But I just want to say that if a coach, if you're working with a coach who tells you to just stop making excuses, or that they don't want to hear your excuses, I would just tell you that that person is not invested in helping you to make a lasting change. That person is just trying to get you to do whatever they want you to do. They're not interested in helping you actually figure out how to make this change to sustainable and work for you and something that's enjoyable, and that makes your life better. That leads me to tell you a little bit of why I do want to hear every excuse that you've got. As your coach, I want to know every excuse that has come up that you feel is just an excuse to tell them to me. Because for me, your excuses are just your perceived barriers. This is a goldmine of information, goldmine. Like we're talking Scrooge McDuck in a pool of gold coins that have information.

The excuses, the things you're telling yourself, are really telling you what you believe is getting in the way. They are defining the challenge for you and that can be incredibly helpful to pay attention to. Here are just a few of the common excuses. I feel like we can all relate with these. Sometimes we say I was just being lazy, or I got distracted. I just didn't have time. I wasn't in the mood. All of those things, I think, resonate with most of us. And let's look at some questions that maybe we could ask ourselves that would come up in coaching of how we might address some of those "excuses".

So if you're telling yourself I was just being lazy, or I got distracted, there's a couple questions that I would ask.

• How are you feeling about your rest?

• Do you need more time to rest in your day?

• How are you managing your stress or your time management?

• We could also explore what your expectations are on productivity? If you feel that you didn't achieve it because you were being lazy, I want to know what lazy means to you. That is a judgment term, right? There's some vision that you have of what lazy means. And that would be worth exploring.

If you're feeling like you didn't have time, let's explore:

• How are you spending your time?

• If you feel like yes, my day is completely packed, I don't have room for anything else, then maybe we can work on some ways to be more flexible with your goals. Something is always going to be better than nothing. Some progress is better than no progress. So if your day is completely full, how can we make 30 seconds worth of progress? Or how can we in the moment learn to stay flexible in our mind enough to make a different choice and find something that can work for you on those days that you're completely overwhelmed?

If you're feeling like the excuse is I just wasn't in the mood. I just wasn't up for it. I'd be curious to know:

• Do you feel like you always have to be in the mood to reach your goals? We're not always in the mood to brush our teeth, but we do it. There may be some mindset work that we could look at there, looking at your expectations. Maybe adjusting what we expect from ourselves.

And I'm not saying here that all of your excuses are completely justified. That's up to you. You're the only one who knows. Some excuses that we tell ourselves may just be giving ourselves an out. It may not be true or it may not be valid, it may be just a way to make an excuse for ourselves. But you're the only person who can determine that. Even if you determine the excuse you give yourself is not justified, you don't feel like it's true. It's not valid, it is truly just an excuse. There's still something that we can learn from that. Let's say you just didn't do it, you just didn't do the goal. I'd be curious to know:

• Is that goal meaningful for you?

• What is the purpose behind setting that goal?

• What difference is it going to make for you to achieve that goal? It does, is it gonna make a difference? Maybe it's not. And then we can let it go.

Maybe you don't know if you have the resources to start, you don't know if you have the equipment you need, or the groceries that you need. Or maybe you don't know where to start maybe what that first step would be, maybe the goal is a little ambiguous, it's unclear. Or maybe there's some fear, maybe you're afraid of trying something new. Or maybe you're afraid of feeling like you failed at something, especially if it's hard to feel that way it can be uncomfortable. So if you're feeling like you're making excuses, that aren't valid excuses, it's truly an excuse, there may be more to dig in behind that as well.

So to wrap up today's episode, the next time that you catch yourself, making an excuse for something that you didn't do towards your goals, an action you didn't take towards your goals, I want you to ask yourself three questions.

First, what am I actually perceiving the barrier to be here?

Second, is that barrier true and valid?

And third, what would I do differently the next time to accommodate for this situation or challenge.

So often by saying, "this is just an excuse", we just ignore that challenge. And we don't address it. We don't plan for it in the future. And it comes up again and again. And we get stuck in this cycle. And it's so hard to break the cycle when we're feeling it. But asking yourself these questions and looking at the things that you tell yourself are just excuses can sometimes be the key to just do something a little bit differently, and to change your perspective enough that you're able to break out of that cycle and find a new way to approach the goals that you have.

That's what I have for you this week. Hope it was helpful. I'd love to hear your feedback as always, and I look forward to talking with you again next week.

OUTRO MUSIC: Thanks for joining me on this episode of the compassionate wellness podcast. If this message resonated with you, please share it with someone you care about. I'd love to connect with you as well follow me on Instagram @alextreanor.coaching, or visit my website alextreanorcoaching.com. And as a reminder, Treanor spelled kind of goofy, it's T-R-E-A-N-O-R. For any references mentioned in this episode, be sure to check out the show notes. I hope you have a wonderful day and don't forget to make time for something you enjoy.